“Hello. PlumbTech. How may I assist you?” said the uncommonly friendly man with the Indian accent.
“When I flush my toilet, it backs up into my bathtub. Can you help me with that?” said the frustrated homeowner.
“Yes sir. Are you near your computer, sir?”
“Yes, it is right in front of me,” replied the homeowner.
“Then sir, do you see the icon in the shape of a small toilet?”
“Yes.”
“Right mouse click on the small toilet, please sir. Do you see window with words PlumbTech?”
“Yes.”
“Please input your credit card number, sir.”
“Are you sure you can fix my toilet from…where are you anyway?”
“I am with PlumbTech, sir.”
“No, I mean where in the world are you. What country are you in right now?” said the slightly skeptical homeowner.
“I am in Bombay, sir.”
“How are you going to help me with a plumbing problem from Bombay?”
“Oh, it is no problem, sir. That is what we do, sir. So please put in your credit card number, sir.”
“Are you sure you can repair this problem?”
“No problem, sir. We are PlumbTech. We have your toilet going in time soon. Can you put in your card expiration date, sir?… And the three numbers on the back of the card. Very good, sir. Please sir, do you mind holding for one moment?”
“Okay.”
“Okay, sir. We are going to charge your card for $549.99. Is that okay, sir?”
“That seems like a lot of money to unstop my toilet.”
“Oh no, sir. That is why we are located in Bombay. We were started in Silicon Valley, California by Peter Plumber, a Harvard dropped out, but the cost of doing business in California grew so large and scary because of all the taxes and regulations that after Mr. Plumber took the company public and cashed out fifty billion dollars, he left the company. The movie will be out soon; “The Toilet Connection”. It is very excited. He is now working on a new company, RoofTech. To save money, we moved the corporate headquarters to Bombay. Now we can offer you so many savings. You want savings don’t you?”
“Yeah, …I guess.”
“Okay. We charged your credit card, sir. In the PlumbTech window do you see the spaces for your username and password?”
“Yes. Why is a password necessary?”
“Don’t worry, sir. We never release your private information to any other company under any circumstances, unless they pay us. Also, you don’t want identify thieves to get your private information. They can put a virus in your toilet……Okay, good, sir, you are online with PlumbTech. I see you. Be sure to friend us and twit us and sign up for our free monthly newsletter called “The Toilet Paper”. Now, sir, just scroll down the list of options until you see your specific problem, “unstop toilet”. Please left mouse click. Now, left mouse click on the “flush now” option. Did you do it?”
“Yes, so what is that…WHAT’S THAT HONEY? I’M ON THE PHONE. Wait, hold on.”
“No problem, sir.”
…
…
…
“When we clicked “flush now”, it flushed the toilet and…”
“Yes, I know, sir. That is what it is supposed to do.”
“But this time it flooded all over the floor!”
“Oh, sorry about that, sir. Let’s try again. Left mouse click the “scan for virus” option, sir.”
“I’m getting an error message. It says “Contact your internet provider, there may be a problem with your modem.”
“Don’t worry about that, sir. It is probably just the circuit board on your toilet. It probably got wet when you flooded your floor.”
“I didn’t flood the floor, you did.”
“Sorry sir. You are doing all the clicking. I’m just trying to help you.”
“Well, you haven’t been much help so far. Can’t you just send over a real person like plumbing companies used to do?”
“I am trying to help you, sir. You don’t have to bring me an attitude. I think you should download our SafePlumb Anti-virus software. You can use it to scan all the plumbing fixtures in your home. It is very helpful.”
“How much is that?”
“It comes with much savings, sir. Since you are a PlumbTech registered user now, the cost is only $199.99 for a six month subscription. For six months, all of the plumbing fixtures in your home will be virus free. There are new virus’s coming online every day. We had one customer with a new virus in their dishwasher and the whole family got sick from eating off of the plates and drinking from the glasses that were washed in that dishwasher. So, should I just run your card?”
“Yeah, okay. But what about my toilet?”
“After you download SafePlumb, run it and see if that might be the problem.”
“Yeah, okay. But how will that help if the circuit board in my toilet is wet and shorted out?”
“Oh, good news, sir. Your credit card company cleared the $199.99 for SafePlumb. You may start downloading, sir.”
“Okay, but what if you’re right and the circuit board is a goner?”
“No problem, sir. Just contact the company that made you the toilet.”
“I don’t know who made this toilet.”
“No problem, sir. Just let me run your credit card for $39.99 and you can download pictures of all of the toilets made all over the world. It’s called Pick-A-Pot. Just find the one that looks like yours and give them a call. It is very easy.”
“Well, how many different kinds of toilets are there?”
“No problem, sir. Here we are. It says the total is 9,837. There are some very interesting toilets made in some parts of the world. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”
“Okay. So let me see if I have this straight. First, I have to download SafePlumb and run it to make sure I don’t have a virus in my toilet. Then, I download Pick-A-Pot and find my particular toilet. Next, I have to call the manufacturer. Where might that be anyway?”
“No problem, sir. Most of the toilets are made in Bangladesh, sir. So, just tell them what your problem is and they will send you a new toilet. Is it still under warranty?”
“I don’t know about the warranty. How long does it take to get a new toilet?”
“No problem, sir. You can just download one…I think. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”
“Can you recommend a toilet consultant to handle this for me? I just don’t have time to fool with all of this.”
“No problem, sir. I am sure you are very busy man and I don’t want to waste any more of your valuable time. What do you do for a living, sir?”
“I beta test cars over the internet.”
“Good, sir. Anything else I can help you with today?”
“No, I guess not. Thank you.”
“You are welcome, sir. Thank you for your call today. And please call us again when you have another plumbing matter. We are always here to help you. Good bye.”
